I fell in love with a client, and he with me... I knew it so early, and fully believe I haven't been in love prior - at least not with the man himself, flaws and all - instead of the illusions of who I want him to be.
December 27, 2014
But this is no Pretty Woman story. Nor a pimp pulling the wool over my eyes, nor a freeloader finding himself an easy ride. No, it is about equal, though he has been pulling more of the weight recently.
He is a gambler, who for a few years has fallen for his tastes that most people in Vegas seem to use as well - methamphetamine. I have indulgences of my own, but they do not include that at all. With meth comes users of meth, some are ok, some are good people. But plenty are not, and my cozy little cocoon becomes invaded.
He has this inner discontent and loneliness that presents itself in various ways. I have discovered a jealous streak that I never had before. We have an open relationship. He has not gotten to make much use of that, but he so frequently tries... In the wrong places. These instances I can get over, move past. If it's just sex- who cares really? Just don't lie and don't expose me to it if I am not going to join. Seems easy enough, right? He has gotten so terrified that I'm just keeping him around until I find someone better. But I don't want anybody else!!! I am adored, I have had offers which would benefit me so much more, but I do not fucking care! I just want him. I wish I could feel confident of the same in him. I've always been afraid that I'm basically just a bookmark, and that his eyes are always peeled, fingers feeling for, antennae endlessly seeking out a transmission for the next best thing. Because he is never really satisfied, some hole inside, always something wrong. There is no such thing as a perfect person.
Outside of, or perhaps included with that is the scum he befriends and allows to use him up, steal from him and so on. Vegas is full of scammers and users. And I'm along for the ride as he allows these people into our home, watch the effect they have on him. And so, for over a year, we have been on a tour of Vegas's weekly apartments- eventually kicked out due to the people who we have at our place, during management's periodic attempts to clean house. Guess my ex was right, even post-relationship, living together, he *did* protect me. I had my own instance soon after going off on my own of befriending the wrong people and getting overwhelmed, which I put an end to after a few weeks. But he won't, he says he doesn't want to believe these things about people. He will even go back to hang out after we move away, no matter how much he says he's done.
So what do I do? I truly believe this is it, I will never fall in love with anyone else. Do I simplify, bail first, appear invulnerable? Talk to him and hope he is honest and that it helps at all? Do I work to get us out of this shit city to make things better? Or just wait and see what happens, allow things to potentially end in my total devastation- which would either motivate me to leave, or kill me.
